not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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