this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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