So drunk its hurt
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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