Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
