I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
