Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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