You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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