I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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