I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
