mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
