I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
