Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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