Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
