I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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