can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
