I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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