I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
