I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
