why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
