He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
