i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
