He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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