Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
