Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
