The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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