im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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