im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
