Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
