I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
