she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
