I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
