when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
