About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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