If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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