is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
