Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
