Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
