you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
