Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
