hotel room ftw
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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