how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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