I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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