On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
