She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
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Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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