U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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