cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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