it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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