she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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