College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
