I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
