Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
