Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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