I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
