im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
