So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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