its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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