I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
birth control should be required to get into college
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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